adjustment

After feeling mildly uncomfortable at home I was lucky enough to have an extremely relieving conversation with Pat last night. Since being home of course it's so nice to see my family and friends who I love so dearly. The vast majority of everyone is like wow you were in italy "how was it" well how the hell does one answer such a question? do you want me to say well it was the best four months of my life because I was able to explore so many aspects of life and the world and growing up and culture in this amazing place and I learned and lived and grew and all these amazing things that I saw and experienced and countries and cities and souvenirs and friends and people and everything that I took in over the time I was there. No I don't say any of that, I don't say that I was at Piazza Navona people watching tourists and Italians mix as I sipped a cappuccino and drew in my sketchbook in my free time, that I wandered around the city getting lost on its tiny cobblestone roads taking pictures of obscure graffiti and people and places and garbage and bums and adverts, how I spent hours in the art studio listening to music and mixing paints and exploring the canvas and my own brain simultaneously, I don't tell them how every weekend for a month straight I was off in another country, or two, seeing the Eiffel tower, Big Ben, hiking, going to museums, a day at the spa, the thermal baths, the mountains, the lake, vineyards, boat tours, the wine, chair lifts over countryside, bike tours, the food, the churches, the views, the beaches and overlooks, and whatever else. I don't really talk about the 25 people or so that I called my family and learned about and became so close with these people who traveled with me to all of these beautiful places, when in the beginning I couldn't even remember their last names and where they were from, I saw and experienced so much with them that I didn't realize the connection that would be left behind. Left in Rome, and now I'm here on Long Island, with the same people, the same people who I've known for so long and love so strongly and know so much about, these people who ask me how my trip was and I reply with "It was great, the experience of a lifetime" and nothing more, the same, nothing less, to every person. And do you know why, it's because I can't talk about it, I'm not going to sit there and blab to you about all these things you never saw and know nothing about and tell you about funny stories involving people you don't even know and that you're never going to meet, because do you really care? Probably not, you're just asking as a courtesy and maybe just maybe once in a while someone who does ask actually will care and caring enough they'll ask a more probing question, aside from "how was it" maybe try asking about my favorite city, or place, or monument, or person I met. Having Bapper over this weekend was slash is really nice because talking to him I'm so comfortable and he's asked me things like the most foreign thing to you, what took the most getting used to or adjusted to, the most overrated thing you did or saw, the most American thing you saw and really seems interested about my experiences and what I was truly able to learn and everything. I feel like my own parents aren't even too interested to hear stories, but at the same time I think I get the feeling that people are just tired of hearing me talk and I don't want to sound like I'm bragging or gloating around that I got to do so many new and different things. Things that I know most of my family and friends will never see in their lives. I don't know what I'm trying to get at really, because I'm not asking people to inquire and to ask twenty questions or to pretend that they care more than they do. I don't really care whether you're interested in my trip at all, but when people do ask me something about it it's so hard for me to answer politely and to not grab them by the shoulders, shake them almost violently and be like "LISTEN MAN YOU NEED TO GET OUT AND SEE THINGS" things that are so beautiful and things that i never knew existed and things people don't usually take the time to stop and appreciate, well guess what I saw so much of it, I want to say I saw it all but I know I didn't, I'm not even close to seeing it all. But I know that I want to, and as much of it as possible. There are some places I wanted to see but didn't have the chance, time, or money too. But I know other people who did and I know how their faces looked when they came back to Rome after their weekend away and I could understand. That travel bug brings understanding, roommates and friends and people traveled to different places and when they came back to Rome whether it be after a day around the corner at the park or a weekend across Europe you would be able to tell by their face how their time there was. It was a mutuality (is that a word) that I feel like everyone just "got". And I feel it when talking to other people who have gotten to travel a little extensively. My cousin Wesley, Sarah, Pat. Pat who has been sustaining and so successfully in Los Angeles and comes home once again to the same people doing the same things with their lives, and I don't want to sound as if I'm knocking that in any way whatsoever because I'm not but when you go away from somewhere, my home, Long Island and you do something so entirely different from the people you left there it's only natural for it to change you. For Pat to be making movies and videos and working hands on with a camera and crew and meeting people and working with people like Ben Stiller, Christine Taylor, Gwen Stefani, Gavin Rosedale, and Seal and whoever else he's had the opportunity to see and meet and work with and network his way through the system and into an entirely different new and exciting world. A world that he's worked so hard for and showed so much passion towards and he's there, he's finally there and doing things that he loves and learning so much about. He's so excited and new and a sponge there, really soaking up technique and experience and opportunity and so freaking many new things! And it's normal to want to talk about it! To share it all! I'm unclear as to whether getting this out is actually helping or just making me feel more frustration. But at least I can now understand why I feel so anxious sometimes, so uncomfortable now, like my old pair of sneakers finally doesn't fit anymore or something. I guess closer to the fact that they're so broken in my entire foot fits but my big toe, that only one is putting so much pressure against the top of my shoe that I know I need new ones, or it's simply going to bust a hole through the top. And what sucks most about it I think is that a whole new wave of this awkward uncomfortable 'home' feeling is that it's only going to happen all over again when I return to Boston.